We all grieve the loss of a loved one in different ways. Some of us surround ourselves with family for support. Others withdraw, seeking to be alone with our thoughts until we have enough time to process them. But what happens in times of social distancing and “Stay Home, Stay Safe” orders? Many of us can’t be comforted by the presence of our families, or have been left alone with our thoughts for weeks already, processing the other traumas associated with living during a global pandemic. This is the exact problem I faced when I found myself grieving during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Exactly one week ago today, my father called to tell me that my grandfather had passed away. It was something that I had been preparing for. My grandfather had lived to be 100 years old, and had a variety of health issues that left him confined to a nursing home for the last year and a half. A week before he passed, he was admitted to the hospital, suspected to have COVID-19. We all prepared for the worst.

Although he was released from the hospital the next day, his body had decided it was time. The nursing home staff informed my family that he likely only had a few days. The next day, my grandmother, who had been isolated for the past month in her apartment at the assisted living community she calls home, was brought over, dressed in PPE, and allowed to see him one last time. He died later that day.

Pop John

Before I continue, let me tell you a little bit about my grandfather. Well, technically speaking, he was my step-grandfather. My paternal grandfather passed away when my father was young, and my grandmother raised him as a single working mother. Years later, after my father had graduated college, she met the man we would later know as Pop John, a widower, through work. Pop John had lost his first wife to cancer, and had four children from his first marriage who I would know as my aunts and uncle. At the time of his passing, my grandparents had been together more than 35 years.

He was the child of Irish immigrants and served as a Naval aviator during World War II. In his retirement, his favorite pastime was finding and restoring “treasures” that he would display around the townhouse he and my grandmother shared. He would often enjoy a “reward” of a V.O. and ginger, and always appreciated, in his words, a “fine meal.” When I was growing up and had to stay home from school, I would often spend the day with my grandparents, where he would make me poached eggs on toast, play “school” with me (where I was the teacher, of course), and let me win at tic tac toe. I have many fond memories of our visits to their townhouse, and the many Christmas Eve dinners we all shared together at my dad’s house.

How I’ve Been Coping

I’m going to be honest – this week has been tough. I’ve been more withdrawn than usual. It has been hard to describe exactly what I’m feeling. I’m sure it’s been hard for my friends and family, who have never dealt with this either. I’m just…at a loss, both literally and figuratively.

After my grandfather passed away, I was faced with a range of different emotions – the normal feelings of grief, and then the secondary waves that must be very specific to grieving during a global pandemic. I was sad to lose him, of course. But I was also sad for my grandmother, who was forced to deal with the loss of her husband while completely isolated from the world. I was sad for my father, who couldn’t be there for her except through FaceTime.

I also felt an immense amount of guilt. Guilt that I hadn’t been able to visit him at the nursing home. That we had a hard time connecting in his last few years because of his increasing hearing and memory issues and my difficult school and work schedule. Guilt that I wouldn’t be able to be there for his service. And guilt that I couldn’t be there for my family. To make matters worse, these feelings seem to be amplified by the surrounding pandemic.

How is Grieving During the COVID-19 Pandemic Different?

Grieving during the COVID-19 pandemic is different in a lot of ways. For one, restrictions on large gatherings and social distancing requirements interfere with funereal traditions such as holding a Catholic mass or sitting shiva. Stay home orders and quarantine mandates have also made visiting mourning friends and family impossible, especially those of us who live in different states. For me, I wasn’t able to attend the small service they held for my grandfather, or his burial, because of these restrictions. Normally funeral or memorial services can provide a small level of closure for those in mourning. COVID-19 has deprived us of that closure.

Another way that the pandemic has affected the grief process is that it’s adding another nuanced layer of trauma. Many of us are already dealing with other COVID-19-associated grief, such as losing a job, missing major milestones such as graduation or a wedding, or a general sadness that life as we know it has changed completely. Losing a loved one is hard enough as it is – adding the rest of those stressors on top of it can make it too much to bear.

The pandemic has affected grieving in less obvious ways, too. For me, the main example is how the boundaries between different aspects of my life have been completely blurred, making it hard to compartmentalize. During these times, our homes have become our whole universe. We eat at home, sleep at home, work at home, and spend our free time at home. I am usually pretty good at “putting on a brave face” when I can distract myself by being at the office. But now that my “office” is really my dining room table, a room away from where I spent the evening on my couch crying after I learned about my grandfather’s passing, that “brave face” is nowhere to be found.

So, suffice to say, I have been having a hard time. Part of me wants to say “suck it up, life happens.” The other part, though, is telling me to give myself a little extra time to process and heal. I’m still trying to find that balance.

How I Plan to Heal

This past week, I tried to keep in touch with my family – something that I’m not great at in normal circumstances. I called my grandmother and we planned to get together once this all blows over. I called and texted my dad a little more frequently. Even though I couldn’t be there to hug them in person, being able to hear their voices helped a lot.

I also allowed myself to be aimless. I’ve slept in longer than I should. I’ve let laundry pile up. And I’ve eaten a lot of Chinese take-out (in the name of supporting local restaurants, of course).

Although I have given myself a lot of grace this week, I still haven’t really felt much in the way of closure. This coming week, I’m going to try to find some. Writing out this post has been the first step in that process. I’m also going to make appointments for myself to call my grandmother – something I should have probably been doing already. I’m going to schedule a (provisional) date to visit his grave, and plan what I will say when I’m there. When I can get to the grocery store, I’m going to get the fixings for a V.O. and ginger. I’ll make myself some poached eggs and toast, and say a toast in his honor. Most importantly, I’m going to reflect on the good memories we shared.

Resources

As you may know, I am by no means a professional grief counselor or anything of the sort. If you are struggling with grieving during the COVID-19 pandemic, here are some of the resources I’ve been relying on:

• Grief and COVID-19: Saying goodbye in the age of physical distancing, American Psychological Association
• How to Cope with Bereavement During the COVID-19 Pandemic, Psychology Today
• Understanding Grief in the Age of the COVID-19 Pandemic, Verywell Mind
• Coronavirus (COVID-19) Resources, SAMHSA

If you need someone (non-professional) to vent to or commiserate, please reach out. But also, take care of yourselves. Please reach out to a professional if you find yourself struggling to cope. These are tough times, and we all need a little extra help sometimes. Grieving during the COVID-19 pandemic may be tough, but we don’t have to do it alone.

With love,

A

Disclaimer: I am not a grief counselor or mental health professional. This is based on my own personal experience.